working mothers

A leap

01022014

There is a change in the wind in these parts.

It’s nearly midnight and my whole family are snoozing gently in the other room. I probably should be joining them but it feels good to be sitting here with my feet up, nibbling chocolate chips and bashing this post out. I’ve been waiting for this moment of quiet all week. I am sure I will wake up in the morning grizzly and desperate for a lie in but I know my baby boy will have other ideas. He will wake up full of life, ready to take on the day. I love this about him. It makes me more ready for the world.

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I have been thinking a great deal about my time of late. I am at the point in this first year of motherhood where many woman I know are on the brink of returning to work. At one point that was a real option for me and just as I started to get my head around this change in our lives, that door was suddenly shut. Being made redundant has made me really question my professional future and my time over the next few years. There are hundreds of questions that spin around my head daily. How on earth will I find a new job? Do I even want one? How will I compare to other candidates my age who don’t have baby? What exactly was the point of getting all these qualifications in the first place? Is this what I really want to do?

I have never really mentioned my background on this space before. In a former life I was a theatre director. It was all I ever wanted to do and for nearly ten years I pushed and pushed to make my way in the industry. And then suddenly something changed. The winds changed. I looked at the life I wanted and was trying to build with my husband and something didn’t quite add up. I saw a side of the industry that was uncompromising and bleak. I am not saying the whole of the industry is like this. It is filled with the warmest of spirits and it’s incredible community and heart was what sucked me in, in the first place. I met some of my best friends in the theatre. I am still incredibly passionate about live art and performance. Today, I even went to the theatre as a rare baby-free treat! It was just that my heart wasn’t in making it anymore. It took all the guts I had but I decided to bow out there and then. It was a decision which has taken me a few years to properly deal with but one I can confidently say I never regretted.

When you make such a radical change in your life and give up a true love, it is inevitable that it will be difficult to fill its place. I went travelling, taught in a school, worked on the other side of the industry for a while and then I fell pregnant. Suddenly I was working very hard at a job I had never trained for. Motherhood is at its most basic, good, gratifying work. I suddenly love my place in the world again but that being said, I still have a future to consider. One day this baby of mine (or other babies I go on to have) will be on their own journeys and my time will again be mine to fill.

The closer I get to Forrest’s first birthday, the more clear it is to me that we are starting a new year as a family and that changes are afoot. Billy and I have stayed up late into the night talking about a possible new career; one I have dreamt about for years. At times it feels impossible to take on new challenges when my time is still so devoted to caring for my son but I also now realise that if I work hard enough and care as much as I do, then doors will open.

So I have decided to be brave and to try somethings new; a career that is still creative but closer to my heart than theatre will ever be. I am still working out all the details and it is all very much babysteps around here but it feels so good and so liberating to feel inspired once again.

We have big dreams, both Billy & I. Our goals have always been filled with uncertainty. But I am fed up of feeling fearful, silly and foolish. Following something you love can only lead to good. My time in theatre gave me my husband so who know what this next little leap will bring.

 

 

 

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